My husband left and made his transition to another realm.
We had an adventurous life and have been often on the move, lived in east and west and started life several times over.
My husband was a handsome man who was always taking care of his appearance. He wanted to look and dress well and was organized.
He always worked hard and took care of our family.
Also, he took care of his health and liked to eat healthy natural food. He kept in shape and was in good condition until he started feeling dizzy sometimes.
It began at a time when he had a very negative attitude. It made even made me feel bad, and I told him if you do not stop this you get sick. And it happened that the doctors said it is cancer, but because it is early and he is in excellent condition not dangerous. He had three chemos and after this radiation and got cancer-free.
After two years the doctor who did the examination wanted him to go for a check-up of his heart. We were wondering. He had no trouble with the heart. But they said it is better to check after chemo and radiation and he went for it.
Now he started to be worried and looked up whatever he could find about heart conditions. After a while, he felt dizzy and said his feet hurt and it feels as if something holds them tight when we made our daily 45 minutes walk.
Finally, he went to Iran to get a checkup from a relative there who is a heart specialist and did bring all the results. The doctor there wanted to do an angiography as well, but he denied and wanted to do this here.
He got an appointment for the same procedure here, and another one for angiography and I had to come with him this time.
Usually, he did not want me to come. He said he feels good only sometimes the dizziness and the feet hurt. But he did go every day for a few hours to shop or weekly for a walk with a friend.
The appointment was also with a surgeon, and he said it is the heart valve which he has to replace. But this is not dangerous he said, the risk is minimal because my husband is in excellent condition and on no medication.
One of the other doctors when I asked how this can be, said maybe because of the radiation, But when I asked again none of them did answer. Did he make a mistake? And no Angiography?
I thought we came for this?
We can do an Angiography as well the surgeon said, but I would like to do the surgery before Christmas because I want to go for vacation.
After a while, we got an appointment for Angiography. But it took time, and while waiting, my husband did look the whole time videos about heart surgeries and did read articles about and booklets which he got from the hospital and got more miserable.
We went for the Angiography, and after it the nurse said, this looks not bad, maybe they do an angioplasty, which they recently did successfully and its healing faster than surgery.
But the doctor said surgery is needed and we will get a phone call a few days before.
My husband did talk to the relative doctor and a friend of us who is a surgeon in Germany. All made him hopeful, and he was confident that all would be good after a month and he planned to travel for the Iranian New Year.
He was impatient when we waited for the call, but I not because I thought maybe something changes to better. Making nutritious food and massaging his feet. And he did even shovel snow away one day. I wondered can somebody do this who needs heart
We got the call, the surgery will be on Wednesday, January the 9th at 6 am.
The weekend before our grandkids came and our son with his wife they wanted to travel to China. My husband said he does not expect them to come all will be fine. But our son said at least let me book a hotel near the hospital, so you go a day before.
We have more than an hour drive to the hospital and would have to go very early. Usually, we can take the ferry, but it starts at 6 am, so we would need to use the highway, which is even a longer way.
So we went on Tuesday afternoon to the Hotel, and he was confident that all goes well. He said do not come on Thursday because I will be sleeping, come Friday.
He took a shower, and we went to the hospital where he had to lie down on a bed. The anesthetist came and after a while the surgeon. He said I should be waiting in a special waiting room and because it is already late, it will be maybe between 12- 2 pm. They did even make jokes when my husband asked, what is the risk? The surgeon said, nothing is without risk, but yours is tiny. They did laugh, and he left.
A Nurse came and said we are late today and took him. I wished all well, and because I had a lot of time, I walked back to the hotel to have breakfast and back to the hospital. It was a long waiting time; it got 12 pm, 2 pm, and nothing happen. I had to run every hour to put money for the parking, and it was icy cold outside.
After another hour waiting, I went to ask about my husband, and a nurse said he is still in the surgery room. It got later and later, and I got exhausted.
Finally, after I did ask several times, the surgeon came. I said you had a long day today, and he said, yes, we had complications, and we had to stop the heart again because after finishing the surgery there was a blood vessel above the heart bleeding. But all is fine now, wait another 30 minutes and you can see him.
I waited longer than 30 min. And finally was allowed to see my husband after I said I have to go, I am tired, and it started to snow heavily, and I have to drive home.
He was hooked up and monitors beeping, as we know from pictures with all the machines and medication, but seemed to be sleeping.
The Nurses said I could visit whenever I want, and I said if the streets are free, I may come the next day afternoon.
It was awful to drive home, snow was blowing, and on the last part of the way to the ferry, there was no car and the street partly not visible. But the ship came through the icy water, and I got home totally exhausted.
The next morning a doctor called if I come and I said I am going to be there in the afternoon. He said a doctor wants to talk to me.
So I went in the afternoon and thought maybe he is awake, but no, they would keep him in a coma for another day.
A doctor came and said all looks good right now, but he wanted to know just in case if the heart would stop beating if I want them to bring him back? I said not if he has to suffer after and will be vegetating and not able to live. He does not deserve this, he was always active and suffered even from seeing others like this.
He was with his older brother the year before when he was about to die, he was with his brother in law who is suffering still and a friend who is for a long time sick. I know he would not want this and I do not want it for him. I said you are the doctor and you know what he will be after bringing him back, if there is no extreme suffering, do it, if not let him go.
He said not to worry he knows what I mean and will take care, it may not be necessary, and he will be fine. But they will keep him longer in the coma.
I was grateful that the street this night was clean and I could drive slowly without the stress of cars rushing for the ferry, and I had time to reflect. So it was not that easy as they thought and the complication during the surgery made things worse.
It was not the first time I had to make myself ready for worse.
But we also had miracles. My daughter was in terrible conditions ones, and she got healthy again, I am myself a miracle getting good after sickness, and I was with my Mother and Father.
I always was hopeful, and I have faith.
When I got home that night my Granddaughter, Lea came crying, and she said her sister Shirin is crying the whole day. So I had to talk with here to make them hopeful. Let’s wait until Sunday; maybe we can go together and see him. Crying does not help, pray instead.
The next day was sunshine, and I did drive in the afternoon. I wanted to be there when most people are gone, and I had not to run for the parking too often.
When I got there still the same, more medication and the nurse said because of the complication during surgery his kidneys, and the liver did not get enough oxygen, and the lungs are in bad condition as well. They need to do dialysis: another machine for this and the lung. The doctor said if he is stable till the next day there is hope.
When I went to put money for the parking, it was sunny, but an Icy wind blew. On the way my inner voice said; He will be fine.
I was thinking, does this mean he will recover? Will he not suffer and in pain? On the way back the same voice said: He will be fine anyways. I thought either they can help him to recover if not he will die to be fine?
I stayed another hour talking to the nurses asking if they saw people in this condition recover? They said we saw both, good and bad. We do all that we can. We also talked about the internet and about things I did post there which interested them.
I left in the hope to see improvement the next day.
I talked to our surgeon friend online, and he did give me hope, and I talked to my kids, one in Germany one in China. They wanted to come, but I said wait what Sunday will bring. And the grandkids said later that they always when crying came, thought of what I told them about the voice who said; he will be fine anyways and got hopeful.
The next day, Sunday I went in the afternoon, and when I opened the door all said; Here she is. The doctor said I called and left a message and the nurse said, I found you on Facebook and left a message. I thought first they have good news.
But when I saw the body of my husband I knew what will happen. The body was swollen totally, and he did not look like him anymore.
The doctor said they did give him all medication they could and did all they could do. There was also a young doctor coming from Oman with us, he was the one who had called me several times. He asked if my husband is religious or spiritual and may want somebody to come to pray. I said, he believed in a higher power. For sure he was not religious as you can imagine if you see what happen in his country.
They wanted my permission to stop all the machines. I asked what will happen if you do? the doctor said his heart would stop and he will go without pain and suffering. So I said do it.
They said we do try one last thing. We waited until 6:20 pm and the nurses stopped all.
I had the whole time the feeling it was right; I had the feeling he decided to go. I asked the nurse if I can say the prayer of his country and the religion he grew up with, and I did chant the Bismillah Rahmani Rahim. The nurse did observe the monitors.
When I finished with Allah Akbar Allah Akbar, the first time that I saw a movement of his head like a yes, he had never moved before. And I had the feeling it was all good.
The nurse said with my last words of the prayer, his heart stopped, and I had the feeling he is gone. She said I could stay with him as long as I wish we will remove all the machines.
I looked at the body which did not even look any more like the one I knew for 52 years.
Later the nurse asked me if I had arrangements for his body? But I did not even consider what happened and did not know what to do. Also, he never mentioned what to do after his death he wanted to live and travel after recovery.
The doctor came to confirm that he is gone and said the body could remain at the hospital until Tuesday.
So I arranged with the help of the people there to see a funeral home the next day. We, my kids and I decided on cremation.
You can imagine that it was an emotional challenge for my family and me. Also, we had many phone calls, good and bad voices and blame, which also did make all this more stressful. So I told them I am not going to answer any more until my kids are with me. I did what I felt is right.
Finally, our son, daughter, and grandkid came one from China two from Germany. My son arranged a celebration of life ceremony, and we invited all friends and family living here.
It was a warm and pleasant gathering remembering our husband, father grandpa, and friend and all left peaceful.
We have to accept and live in the now; life continues it’s us who create it.